During its initial theatrical release, this no-budget porn-version of JAWS had a lengthy run on the midnight-show circuit (with both hardcore and softcore cuts). But even if it sounds like a porno relic that might well be left forgotten, you'll be shocked to discover just how watchably dopey it is, thanks to some savvy casting... The plot involves a dick-sucking mermaid (a naked Terri Hall, sans any expensive fish-tail), who leaves her victims dead (but extremely satisfied). The rest follows Benchley's well-worn structure of the Sheriff closing down the beach due to the Sex Monster, and the townsfolk (in between blow jobs) getting furious, including Jaglom-arthouse-regular Zack Norman(!). But the moment a reward is issued for this "she devil", up pops Brother Theodore at a town meeting, doing a Robert Shaw schtick (albeit in a Nazi Officer's uniform) as Captain Carl Clitoris. For folks who don't know Theodore, in addition to frequent David Letterman appearances, he's been a Greenwich Village celeb since the '70s, thanks to a startling one-man live-show that's been running forever (and which I first caught back in '83). And though he's only in a handful of scenes, it's nice to know that even if Theodore had to sign onto this cinemanure to pay the rent, this mad fucker steals the show with such classy lines as "Let me piss on her tits, let me rip apart her fucking entertainment center." What a nut!... Meanwhile, any waterbound male is being orally-attacked by this topless "great white mermaid in heat." And while awaiting the end credits, we get blow-up dolls, a lesbo beach encounter, a fake Fuhrer, and -- in the softcore version -- plenty of "comically" concealed hardcore footage (with cartoon illos conveniently obscuring any unsightly cum shots). Not to mention, the entire cast suddenly replaced by puppets during the final five minutes(!?) and a raunchy "Mack the Knife" homage tune over the end credits (courtesy of Brad Fiedel, who went onto dozens of legit musical scores, like THE TERMINATOR and THE BIG EASY). Theodore brings the only energy to this drivel -- it's like he's on speed throughout -- and director Robert J. Kaplan just barely keeps it up for the flick's whopping 65 minutes. GUMS is a crude but inventive porno aberration, as well as the first in a long line of X-rated Spielberg take-offs, including JURANAL PARK, E.T. THE EXTRA TESTICLE and SCHINDLER'S FIST.

© 1996 by Steven Puchalski.